Thank you all for stopping by and having a read of my life as a Mum. I've got zero idea about what I'm meant to be doing, endless amounts of anxiety, but infinite love for my girls Evie and Grace.
  1. Christmas 2016???
    03 Dec, 2016
    Christmas 2016???
    This year, I wanted to bring Christmas back. I wanted to truly celebrate it this year with friends and family just like I used to when I was young. Lately, they haven't felt as they used to. I'm a big sucker for these events. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, New Year....basically any public holiday I love. When I was young we used to get together with all the family and do something. It could be anything from a dinner, to a picnic (those were the best!), to a massive get together. There was one
  2. I can't take a joke
    17 Nov, 2016
    I can't take a joke
    Apparently, I can't take a joke. Yesterday by Husband made this comment to me and I thought "What an ASS!". How dare he say something so cruel. Kids used to always say that to each other when I was younger when someone would react negatively to a joke. It was used as a bullying tactic. Kids would say horrible things then back it up with something like "It's just a joke. Can't you take a joke?". Nobody wanted to be the person who couldn't take a joke.  So when I heard my Hubby say that yesterday
  3. Preaching is the worst!
    03 Nov, 2016
    Preaching is the worst!
    Lately, I've been becoming so frustrated by people who preach about how to happy and the effects that happiness has. Do you really think people are that stupid? Is that you don't know the effect that sadness has on lives? I feel like if you are preaching how to be happy, you should also be just as well versed on the effects that sadness brings. Just like happiness, it is more than an emotion. It changes the way people perceive things. It changes the way people make decisions.... just like
  4. The Importance of Communication
    25 Oct, 2016
    The Importance of Communication
    Do you ever feel insignificant? Like if you burned a building to the ground no-one would even blink? That's how I feel in this moment. All I crave for is a conversation. A real conversation. One about hope, dreams and desires. One that inspires and creates connections. One where I feel like what I am saying has a lasting impression on someone else. I do so much for everyone else, so why can't someone engage me in a conversation about me and what's going on in my head. I know that sounds
  5. Anxiety-flies
    16 Oct, 2016
    I feel gross. I'm cooking dinner and I have the anxiety-flies in my stomach. I'm annoyed and I'm pissed off, but I'm anxious about what it means; the potential fight we are going to have. The way I always feel worse afterwards. I never feel like anything is ever resolved. In reality it is, but the initial anxiety still affects me and takes ages to leave my body. The anticipation of having an argument is always worse than the argument itself. I hate feeling like this. The pins and needles in the
  6. We aren't alone.
    06 Oct, 2016
    We aren't alone.
    A few nights ago I was sitting up on my own late at night and was watching some terrible (but fantastic!) You Tube videos. I was scrolling through and came past one that was titled 'This is what anxiety looks like'. I had to watch it. Not because my curiosity was getting the better of me, but because I wanted to know whether the way that I feel is anything like what this person feels. It was raw. She had been suffering from anxiety all day and was trying to prolong the effects of it by doing
  7. Today is a good day
    29 Sep, 2016
    Today is a good day
    Today is a normal day. No anxiety in sight. I wish all days could be like today. I'm not worried about a thing. I have a headache that won't piss off but other than that everything has been good so far. I know tonight I will check on Evie at least twice to make sure she is still breathing but for right now I just want to enjoy the fact that I haven't worried or been anxious about anything. That doesn't mean I've had the best day ever, however. I don't feel like it has to be though. For me, a
  8. Keeping cool
    24 Sep, 2016
    Keeping cool
    I received a phone call this morning saying that my Grandmother is in hospital. Of course, I lost my shit. But the problem was, I lost it before I even knew anything. How is that logical in any way shape or form?? I mean really, this month alone I have had 3 (now 4) family members in hospital and everything has been okay. So why does my brain always associate hospitals with negative outcomes? My Husband always tells me to calm down and wait until I know more facts, and he is 100% correct,
  9. Sometimes it's the little things that can make the difference
    10 Sep, 2016
    Sometimes it's the little things that can make the difference
    I'm not the most open person (yes I see the irony of having a blog), but I want to be. And I'm not just talking about sharing anxieties or struggles; I'm talking about everything, even the good stuff. On Saturday my Hubby and I shared a long car ride, and most of the car ride was just him and I talking about work and my dreams and desires for it. We had a car full of kids but somehow he found the time to ask me about it. And not just one question either, many questions. It felt so good
  10. Everyone needs an outlet
    21 Aug, 2016
    Everyone needs an outlet
    Hey everyone, I am so sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things have just become way too much for me to handle and I haven't been able to find the time to blog even though I really, really, really could have used it. There has been so much going on lately that it was just getting way too much. I felt overcome by it all. I still do at times. I had a meltdown last week which helped me massively, but I still have horrible, anxious, self-deprecating thoughts running through my mind. No-where near
  11. We HAD a new home
    29 Jul, 2016
    We HAD a new home
    This week, we got the approval for a new home -- YAY! -- Only today to be told that the current tenant won't move out and they are going to the tribunal. SHIT BALLS SHIT. Throughout the whole process I have felt so insecure about finding a new place. I'm only working as a tutor right now and my income is apparently not enough to convince someone that we can pay rent solidly...which is a sack of shit. My income pays for rent and more, not including my husbands pay and cost of living. But because
  12. Where is he?!?!
    06 Jul, 2016
    Where is he?!?!
    Okay so I am starting to panic. My husband usually comes home for lunch everyday. Very sweet. His lunch break varies from 12pm to 1pm. This week, it is a 1pm lunch. It is 1:39 and he isn't here and I haven't heard from him all day. I sent him the first message at 1:29 with no response. During the 2 minutes in-between that message and the 2nd message I sent I have created a whole story as to what could have possibly happened. I'm now 2 messages, 3 calls and a voice-mail in at 1:39 and I am panic
  13. We are on the move.....apparently.
    30 Jun, 2016
    We are on the move.....apparently.
    We got a phone call from our real estate today notifying us that the owner  of the unit where we are currently living is selling. SHIT! We have to be out by the 2nd of September. SHIT! As soon as I got this phone call my heart instantly sunk. Where are we going to go? We can't afford to live anywhere else right now. Looking on it now 3 hours later it isn't the worst situation ever. We can go live with my Mum if we really can't afford anything else. But then I had a thought.......we would be
  14. Baby, please don't go  -- Article from the SMH
    26 Jun, 2016
    Baby, please don't go -- Article from the SMH
    I just read this article about Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder and I can totally relate. As a child, I had separation anxiety which sprouted from a traumatic family event. As I've grown older it has dissipated, but it can still show up at any moment. I never initially think that something bad will happen if I'm away from the ones I love, it's if I randomly have the thought. Then, once I do have the thought, it's all over. I've been known at times to look up local live traffic to see if there
  15. Change is crap.
    17 Jun, 2016
    Change is crap.
    I hate change. I HATE change. Change should be spelt a.n.x.i.e.t.y because that's the affect it has on me. Instantly. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind change when I have control over it. Like, if I changed a plan because something came up -- not a problem. If someone else did -- omg why do they hate me? What did I do? I think it is the whole 'not having control' thing that gets to me. I hate the unknown. I always have. When I was younger I was consumed by thoughts about death and what
  16. Then, the phone rang.
    02 Jun, 2016
    Then, the phone rang.
    Some days are better than others. Today was one of those better days. Then. the phone rang.
  17. Too many things at once make Mama go coo-coo
    17 May, 2016
    Too many things at once make Mama go coo-coo
    This was my evening. Get home from work. House filled with 3 kids and a Husband. Husband is working from home but bought all of the ingredients for dinner...excellent. I start cooking dinner, then remember we need to pack the big Miss' bag for camp tomorrow, then back to cooking, then the baby starts climbing up my leg, then packing again because big Miss can't find a singlet top (which of course is found exactly where it was meant to be), hold baby, start packing items into the suitcase,
  18. I wish I was a fly on the wall..
    09 May, 2016
    I wish I was a fly on the wall..
    It's hard being a Step-Mum. Being a mother figure to them isn't hard. Loving them isn't hard. But, the fact that I can't have an input in the way that they are raised hurts. My husband is fantastic; he is great at hearing what I have to say and will let me parent as much as I can. We do it together. However, it's the other side that's hard. I completely understand why too. I'm not deluded in thinking that I have a right over anyone to have an input. What gets me is that the girls are open to
  19. I don't feel alone.
    06 May, 2016
    I don't feel alone.
    This blog post isn't what it sounds like. Yes, I feel lonely. Quite often actually. Even looking after Evie everyday. However, I never feel alone, but I want to. My mind is always racing. I constantly have various things running through my head. Yes, it's the usual Mum day-to-day tasks but it's more than that. I find in a single moment I could be thinking of various things. Like right now, I'm thinking about this blog, watching Evie to make sure she doesn't choke on the awful rice cake she is
  20. It only takes a second.
    02 May, 2016
    It only takes a second.
    It went from a beautiful message that just simply said 'I love you' to being....OMG WHAT'S WRONG! It took all my willpower today not to reply back asking if he was okay. Why is it that instantly my brain decides to take something that is really loving and romantic, and turn it into the last song? In the space of 3 seconds I went from an anxiety level of 0 to about a 5. I had to call. If I didn't I knew my anxiety would just increase. I hate feeling like I am giving into the anxiety and
My name is Marianna and I've been blogging since 2016. I've always had anxiety but once my first child (Evie) was born, I found my anxiety had changed. It got to the point where I had to be proactive and make a change. This is it! I'm also very active on Instagram so please take the time to follow us @theanxiousmumma
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